her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
