you have to choose: penises or morals?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
