Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
