She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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