Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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