I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
