It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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