Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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