He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
