i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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