I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
