So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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