my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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