god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
