I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
