It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
