I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
