I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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