hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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