I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
