So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
