you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
