I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
