fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
