I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
