I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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