the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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