Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
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