I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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