She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm really busy with my period
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