I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?