Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.