if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
