her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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