As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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