Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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