Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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