God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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