Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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