I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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