I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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