I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
