i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
