I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
