You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
