i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
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WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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