I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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