well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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