Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
