Where did you get a picture of my penis
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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