He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
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I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
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they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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