I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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