I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
