I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
