if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
