Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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