i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
