apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish you could order shots online.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
