Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
